We finally have a piece for national day! I am so glad and relieved… It feels so good to finally have something.

I’ve been feeling quite stressed lately…keep feeling that I ought to be finishing more work.

Might write more tomorrow, perhaps. The cat’s awfully excited today, I wonder what caught her attention.

Think of me

Part of a cover my mother happened to be singing in the evening in the study room…(note…pardon that she happens to be dressed for sleep haha!

Little hawthorn balls;

No, I am determined not to make my blog become sadder and sadder…I must find some happy things to fill my star bottle with! I have been very sick past few days…and so took leave from the afternoons, and have been reading Malcolm Gladwell (which I found rather average). I think when one’s moods are down everything suddenly takes that colour or perspective, like I told my father I didn’t even enjoy my usual favourite beancurd dessert or century egg porridge, and even my cat looked a little sadder to me in the afternoon.

Its true, I have never felt lonelier in my life, and I miss you Beansprouts!

I think I will start studying for the bar examination soon…(umm..when things are down…study? work?) I realize my work performance increases by leaps and bounds when I am down, so maybe it is true what they say about women that we cannot become too fulfilled by our natural surroundings. But still it is unsettling to not be able to find completion nowadays, or to keep that little sadness within me. I wonder if my kitten feels that too!

That day after practice, went for dinner with some of the tos in a japanese restaurant and really enjoyed myself. There were my two favourite ladies, and throughout camp had been really touched by HX’s story and really liked HL as a person, two of my favourite persons amongst the new tos, people whom I am really comfortable with. I was still quite new to the rest, except WM because he is like the class prankster immediately and he jokes so much with me I feel at peace immediately…I was beginning to think the work environment has been a really serious place! I felt happy just having dinner with them, and really enjoyed myself.

….

I have so much I really want to say…but it is like one of those old conversations where what you really desire to say comes at the end of a whole bit of redundant bubbly stuff…

A little thought;

Its early in the morning – I just had another dream, which is actually quite different from the previous science fiction apocalypses which have been featuring.

It was the story of how a girl met a boy again in a restaurant – when she was with her sister, and he with her brother.

But there’s a story there.

The sight of him took her aback, and she stood staring at him for a long time.

For she had not seen him a long time since – when he had fallen off the cliff. When she was a child, and so was he, they had been on a cliff…and he had reached out for her, and she had drawn back, and he had slipped and fallen.

And she hadn’t known that he had survived, until now. And she was scared that if she drew back again, something would happen to him. And so this was the very conundrum which tingled her heart.

Ah, dreams.

—

When I woke up this morning I thought about something else- how real life turns to fantasy.

Several weeks after a beautiful memory, I remember telling myself, you have to remember everything, the shape and curve of how it happened, the objects and light in the distance, the way the light fell on the river and the silence that transpired.

Then time went by, and one day I wondered if I had dreamt it.

And another lapse of time went by, and I realized I would never come by such a time again, and neither would I be able to confirm that it really happened.

And so real life had moved from being a memory to becoming a questionable event. The same way books are teasing out your thoughts and memories, a middling in the time towards Iris’ Alzhemiers.

Would this happen between us the same, my Beansprouts?

–

I’m sneezing like anything each morning, and I am really longing for apple ices. I realize each morning when I wake up there is a sadness, and before I sleep there is a sadness too.

I wish the tropical rain can wash the sadness away.

Eddy the peacock;

Just had to share one of my absolute favourites! A piece from the musical piece by Sandy Wilson, which was the first vintage musical to spark my inspiration and love for the ‘vintage vignettes’. Please ignore the irrelevant video couple…I have no idea who they are but this is the only version I managed to find of this fabulous vintage piece. E and I also ever talked about it, and if we ever had an opportunity to direct a piece on stage again (he would do dance choreography, and I would do stage directing as always!) I miss our old days of theatre, and never had the big voice of my mother to do something like this, but I think there was something alive about ‘The Boyfriend’ and Sur la Plage which I absolutely adore…Wiki describes it as a ‘comic pastiche’ of 1920s elements and I almost had the impression once that it was Rodgers & Hammerstein. Can you just see it on stage!

When I saw the above tango piece I was incredibly impressed… one of the best pieces I’ve seen executed on the show, by Mirian Iarici and Leo. I don’t know what you all think, but I have always felt this is the way tango ought to be done, and it was truly bewitching and extremely vile! Haha!

Returning home, I’ve really missed my music for the past few days.  Immediately upon returning, had to talk to ST, missed ST terribly pass few days who was constantly passing through my mind, and also exuberant singing with Beansprouts! He shared about his recent trip to Munich past few days, the castle on the lake, and sushi in Germany…and his fondness for the castles.  I then ran Giselle the ballet on repeat for hours and fell asleep to the last strands of the second Act. My little kitten loves Giselle too, even when I hum it with imperfection to the music! But I think she likes opera much more because she makes so many noises. (rrr….interprete)

Every now and then I get a little tremble of loneliness inside…and wonder if I will be remembered! I sometimes feel like the remnants of a fallen tree which once existed. I feel like saying some words, like how much I miss ST’s kindness, and the abandon of walking slowly in a park and seeing the secret names of roses, and the wonder of being absolutely alone. My mother often interrogates me about so many things…checks my receipts…empties my bag of contents, secretly digs into history files of my computer…I detest it absolutely with fierce intensity, as as Beansprouts knows, the one thing I dislike the most is the lies and probing questions into the things I hold secret in my life.  Once, a friend read my personal letters, and after that I never spoke to her again, and blocked her out of my life instinctively, being a person I could not innately trust (perhaps a Spinach INTJ trait?) And so having my personal letters and postcards read by my mother on a daily basis without my permission is a scarring affair.

Yet in many ways I often feel helpless in all these…in Singapore, not only with my mother, I feel that the whole atmosphere often probes searching questions within me constantly, I feel restless and the need to prove myself and do certain things constantly, I feel a static clockwork where my mind is thinking so much and there is a constant displeasure when I do not achieve something I intended. Singapore has this effect on me. My comfort is when I finish a piece of work wonderfully, or seeing an article I’ve written being letterset- concerns which had been faraway from me in London.

I feel as though I am not entitled to my quiet moments any more, which is a horrible, sudden dreadful feeling which overcomes me. I am almost destined to work, to pursue, to compete – like Beansprouts in London, who becomes law-ified with case files! The issues I think about become the equity market and market manipulation and accountancy, and slowly I will not be going up to the top of the magic tree anymore. Even my favourite violin that I adore starts to become an artificial solace.

But I must not be so depressed! There is always something waiting, and Beansprouts in the distance telling me what he did for love.

I will be returning from camp today, Beansprouts! Remember the ‘high elements’ teambuilding course I told you about sometime ago when we were all still in London? Sigh… I think I have done more sports than the past five years…! So tired. Will write about it later!!

Yours,

Cherry Pie

Feeling a bit sad tonight…learning that my mother had lost a substantial amount in the recent structured notes investment, practically a quarter of her life savings since the fund lost a third of its value.

I was quite irritated with the investment professional who did not properly explain and disclose to her the risks of the investment, even the fundamental fact that it was an absolute return structured fund and not a capital guaranteed fund. She was still under the impression in fact, that she would get back her capital, and what they have paid in the last three times were in fact, ‘dividends’.

Working the numbers, the typical fixed deposit rate for her amount invested is around 0.6. Working on a compounded rate, this is the amount which should be gauged against the loss and not the original amount. This is something investors often neglect.

Such structured funds are usually a compilation of different equity and debt components. This fund features a sequence of equities, call options, bonds (in the form of some sub-funds), and reliance on gold spdr to balance. Also an investment in some reits (and my mother doesn’t even know what are reits!!)

My mother also had no idea of the basic 5% sales fee and the annual 1.2% management fee, but thats just my mum.

So we know how call options work. And basically they have failed in the past two years given the bearish market, as they are meant to capture the upswing (as opposed to a put option).  Then, given the bearish property market, it was no wonder that reits took a massive downswing as well. And equities? Goes without question. The fund did have a focus on Singapore, but still US made up around 18.5% of assets.

So I calculated that funds under this manager have lost 30.5% thus far (2 funds under this umbrella), caused partly because of the bad choices of the fund managers, which is quite ironic since they chose a benchmark of sibex +1% (3.5% thus far). And, what she still doesn’t understand is that the fund has to go up about 60% before she can even break even.

The weird part which I was trying to understand for a long time was the fact that my mother kept insisting that she was getting ‘dividends’. Given the structured elements of the fund, where on earth were these ‘dividends’ coming from?

Then I realized – there has been no net income, no capital gain…which means, the ‘dividends’ was a return of original capital.

Which sums up the ridiculousness of this particular capital structure, if you ask me.

This round, my sentiments go to the side of the investors who bought into this hogwash.

I can continue on, on how it required about above 20% gain for the fund to distribute 6.5% per annum to investors. (math people, do your computing of risks)

Still have not been sleeping well due to allergies. Only comfort is my cat (and no, she is not the source of allergies)… being packed off for a camp in Sentosa tomorrow and I am a little dismayed, I am a little worse for wear to commence any sort of team building activities and I actually just want to do and finish some of the work…like the letter I have to write, and the cases to read. Meanwhile, having an accountancy course from the head of business in NUS and it has proved to be actually truly fascinating, really enjoy the wide perspective he has and his varied knowledge on many finance issues. What I love about it too is that he is not just a theoretical junkie, and has his fingers in many investments and boards, with plenty of business experience. I think it is worth learning from such people.

I had more to write than this…but I am so tired…

I had a three part dream today– first two parts were very horrific, something about animals (must be J’s threat of throwing my kitten into the fire) …

and the third had you in it, Beansprouts! My friend and I visited you from far away…and we were in this apartment with alot of space in the living room, and we were playing this soon, and my friend and I were twirling….she was twirling in modern jazz, I was twirling in vintage 40s fred astaire style! We were dancing and twirling…and were so happy…and meanwhile you were on the couch and absolutely refused to twirl. So we both brought you on the floor and made you twirl…

Then we went to this circus which was 13 pence entry (imagine!) and I remember you had the coolest red/blue rimmed vintage glasses and you were telling my friend that you were from Tunisia and that your parents are Tunis! And I was jealous because you never told me you were from Tunis, I always thought you were from Sydney!

I suppose in a way you always belonged in my Equalia, to Tunis.

Its official, Beansprouts!! I’m publishing in my second law review!! And, A has been made Vice-Dean!! Now we both have our articles in one review each! And people will be more likely to read yours and not mine but its okay…mine is less complex XD

For a treat, my little kitten is having prawns tonight…and she has been so clingy…following me everywhere I go….tsk tsk I love her….

Beansprouts, I tried calling Spinach many many times but he seems inaccessible…I am convinced he is working in Spearmint Rhino….